April 1, 2023
Author(s): Rabbi Wes Gardenswartz,
Parashat Tzav / Shabbat Hagadol
April 1, 2023 — 10 Nissan 5783
The Keystone Habit We All Need Now
Temple Emanuel, Newton, MA
Israel. The images of civil unrest playing out in Israel this past Monday are images we never thought we would see. Demonstrations of hundreds of thousands of Israelis; counter demonstrations; the airport closed; IDF soldiers and reservists and pilots refusing to serve; general strikes; universities closing; ambassadors resigning; a high government official, Yoav Gallant, fired for speaking his mind and asking for dialogue. All this happening just as Israel is about to celebrate its 75th anniversary.
And all this happening just as we are about to sit down to our seders Wednesday and Thursday nights. How, if at all, do we talk about Israel at our seders?
It feels like a no-win situation. If we don’t talk about Israel, we are ignoring what matters. If we do talk about Israel, it is depressing, and where does it go but into a ditch.
Last Shabbat Shira and I were at a really cool independent minyan in Brooklyn, where our son Sam lives, called Altshul. The place was packed, brimming with the energy of young Jewish adults in their 20s and 30s. It was a happy story with a concerning asterisk. When it came time for the prayer for our country, the minyan read out loud the prayer for our country. No issue. But when it came time for the prayer for Israel, there was a laminated blue card in every pew that offered three choices for silent prayer. You could pray to yourself the official prayer for Israel. You could pray to yourself an alternative version. Or you could offer your own silent prayer. At the end of these individual silent prayers, the congregation came together to sing a song of peace. I asked for the back story on this and was told the minyan debated the prayer for Israel for seven months—should we have one at all, we don’t agree, we can’t all say the same prayer, and finally came up with this compromise. In other words, a super committed, maximally observant community of young American Jews cannot pray together a prayer for
Israel.
We can’t talk about Israel at our seders. We can’t not talk about Israel at our seders. What do we do?
I want to share an idea from an Andy Stanley podcast that bears on our predicament that came from a book by Charles Duhigg called The Power of Habit. Duhigg talks about what he calls a “keystone habit.” A keystone habit is a habit that is so powerful that it causes other kinds of behaviors that follow in its wake.
Daily exercise is a keystone habit. If we exercise every day, we eat better. We drink better. We sleep better. We feel better. We are more effective at home and at work. All that flows from our daily workout.
Sitting down together to a nightly dinner is a keystone habit. It is good nutritionally. It is good financially. It is good relationally. The family that eats together catches up on everybody’s day, and the food is healthier and cheaper than eating out.
The Jewish people could use a good keystone habit about now. The mess in Israel is not resolved. It is on pause. In Danny Gordis’s piece yesterday, he calls it a “cease fire.” The question is what will happen during the cease fire. If there is no real dialogue, if there is no movement, observers like Patrick Kingsley, the Jerusalem bureau chief of the Times, fear we could be back to that combustible point. Fortunately, our tradition offers a keystone habit that is just what we all need, and it is tied to our most sacred prayer: shema Yisrael, listen O Israel. Here is why listening is so important.
In his Times editorial this week, Bret Stephens quotes Israeli leader Bennie Ganz as saying that 80% of Israelis want the same thing; 80% of Israelis want a sensible reform that tweaks the judicial system, while preserving the independence of the judiciary as a check and balance, thereby preserving Israel as a democracy; 80% want a common sense compromise that
can allow Israel to come back together again as a nation.
But there does not seem to be a lot of listening going on. There are demonstrations, which generate counter demonstrations. There is anger, which generates more anger. Recriminations which generate recriminations. None of which solves the problem. Israelis need to talk, and more importantly to listen, to one another.
In her class this morning, Rachel Korazim shared the remarkable story of her stepson Ofir, who has been serving in the IDF for 30 years. Ofir insists on serving in the military of a state that is Jewish and democratic. He has been a leader among reservists in refusing to serve if the judiciary is eviscerated. Last Saturday night, Ofir led a march in Jerusalem of reservists, soldiers and pilots refusing to serve unless Israel remains a democracy. There they encountered a large group of people protesting in support of the government’s plan. The two groups started shouting at one another. There was no listening going on.
Ofir realized that nothing good was going to come out of all this anger and shouting, so he approached a Hasid who was championing the reform, and Ofir said can we get out of here and have a cup of coffee. The Hasid agreed. The two went off and had coffee, engaging in conversation for two hours. Their encounter is so rare, and so obviously what Israel needs now, that photographs of this unlikely pair were taken, posted on social media platforms, and went viral. Ofir was asked to speak at a yeshiva in S’derot, which borders Gaza. That story also went viral, the secular reservist refusing to serve in dialogue with a whole Haredi Yeshiva that sees the issues of the day very differently. The good news is that they are in dialogue. The good news is that they are listening to one another and not shouting at or fighting one another. Listening strengthens relationships. Not listening weakens relationships.
The keystone habit of listening would also enable us at our seders to talk about what
matters in ways that are fruitful. In keeping with the spirit of the season, a recent letter by
Donniel Hartman and Yehuda Kurtzer offers us four simple but profound questions about Israel.
Is Israel central to our life, or do we feel that our life, including our Jewish life,
is just fine without Israel having a big part in it?
Who owns Israel, only Israelis, or all Jews? Do we have a personal stake in Israel, and if so what claim does that make on us?
To what extent is Israel not only a sanctuary for Jews, but also a laboratory for Judaism, where our finest Jewish values are embodied in a modern state? If there is a gap between Jewish values and practice, what claim does that make on us, and how do we respond?
Israel must remain both Jewish and democratic. Doing both has proved challenging. But both are essential. How do we engage this ongoing tension?
What about raising these evocative questions, and inviting the wisdom of different voices around your seder table? The point is not to persuade, not to convince, but to listen to and learn from other thinking, even if we don’t personally agree. Listening is a keystone habit which deepens relationships. Not listening is also a keystone habit which weakens relationships.
The story is told of the rabbi who officiates at the funeral of a man who lived to a good ripe age, who dies in his mid-90s. His children and grandchildren love and speak adoringly about him. His business associates and friends speak his praise. It is a beautiful celebration of a beautiful life. Yet the rabbi notes that this man has one brother who looks deeply sad. After the funeral, the rabbi goes up to the brother and says: You look so sad. I could not help but notice your deeply sad eyes. I understand your beloved brother passed away, but what is going on? Rabbi, the brother says, my brother and I had a disagreement many years ago, and we stopped talking to one another. We stopped listening to one another. Twenty years have passed. That time is just gone. Where can I get it back? Where can we get it back?
Listen. At your seders. Listen. In your life. That is why the credo of our people is Shema Yisrael. Shabbat shalom.