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October 1, 2022
Author(s): Rav Hazzan Aliza Berger,
Parshat Vayeilech
October 1, 2022 — 6 Tishrei 5783
The Power in Your Hand
Temple Emanuel, Newton, MA
Erin Alexander sat crying in her car in the Target parking lot. Her beloved sister-in-love had just passed away suddenly, and she was overwhelmed with grief. When the worst of it had passed, she wiped away her tears and decided to stop by Starbucks to get some green tea before attempting to complete her errand.
As soon as she opened the Starbucks door, she could tell the barista was not having a good day. She kept explaining to customers that the espresso machine was broken and was trying her best to accommodate their caffeine requirements with workarounds, but was clearly stressed and struggling to keep up. When it was her turn in line, Erin smiled as brightly as she could and told the barista to “hang in there.”
A few minutes later, when she picked up her iced green tea, she was surprised to see a message scrawled on the side of the cup. “Erin,” it read, “your soul is golden.” That barista didn’t know her sister-in-love had died, she didn’t know how rough it had been to get through every day or the strength it was taking just to face an errand to Target, but that message meant everything to Erin. As she shared recently with the New York Times, “that little thing made the rest of my day.”
Erin’s story was included in a fascinating recently published article titled, “The Unexpected Power of Random Acts of Kindness.” It turns out that these small gestures, like writing a kind message on a Starbucks cup or holding the door for a stranger, can have an outsized impact on someone’s day and wellbeing. But, as psychologist Marisa Franco explains, “we have this negativity bias when it comes to social connection. We just don’t think the positive impact of our behaviors is as positive as it is.”
Researchers have studied this. In one study, they went to an outdoor ice-skating rink and gave random strangers a cup of free hot chocolate. Participants were told they were part of a study and that they could either keep the hot cocoa or they could give it to a stranger. The people who gave away the hot chocolate thought it was no big deal whereas recipients reported a significant mood boost as a result of the unexpected gift. That result has been replicated again and again. Another study focused on cupcakes. One group received a cupcake for participating in the study. Another group was asked to consider how happy they would feel if they were given a cupcake. And the third group were given a cupcake that they were supposed to give to a stranger. The people who received a cupcake out of the blue from a stranger rated themselves significantly higher on a happiness scale than did people who received the cupcake from participating in the study. And the people who received the cupcake out of the blue were significantly happier about it than the giver or the control group ever imagined.
Ok, so what’s the big deal here?
Why should we care if random acts of kindness make a bigger impact than we imagine? Isn’t that a good thing? I mean, Jewishly, we have this idea that the highest form of giving is when you give something and don’t know to whom it goes or the impact that it has. According to the Rambam, anonymous generosity is the highest pinnacle we aspire to.
But researchers will say that because we tend to undervalue random acts of kindness, we sometimes talk ourselves out of doing things that would make a difference in someone else’s life. That, of course, means that we aren’t contributing to a boost in someone else’s mood. But that also means that we lose out. Study after study has demonstrated that prosocial behavior—that is, random acts of kindness or regard, can not only make a difference in someone else’s day, but have the effect of lowering stress for the person who chooses to be kind.
I’ve seen this in action here at Temple Emanuel. Every year, during our Join the Jewish Conversation class, we work with students to design mitzvah projects. The kids learn about Jewish values and think about the ways that they can direct their passions to help people in the world. There is often a tension—kids want to be able to demonstrate impact, they want to raise a lot of money or collect a lot of clothing or household goods to give to people in need. That’s great, and certainly our kids have made a big impact. But when we talk about the more intangible projects, calling elders or spending time with young children in families dealing with a lot of stress, students are often wary of these projects because they worry these projects aren’t “enough.”
From where I sit, I see that often the seemingly smallest projects can have the biggest impact. For example, I have a student this year who chose to use his bar mitzvah year as an opportunity to call elders in the community and to speak with them about their theology and their connection to Judaism. He thought this was just a strategy to better write his dvar. Talking to elders would give him more material to include. He never really thought it would make all that much of a difference to the elders he called, he felt like his calls were asking something from them. But just the other day, I received the following email from one of our members:
Subject: You just did a mitzvah.
Email: My college roommate, whom I loved dearly, died yesterday…I am really grieving her loss and have been so sad. I just opened my email and here is such a sweet request from one of your students. It really lifted my spirits. Thank you for thinking of me.
It’s not just here at Temple Emanuel that random acts of kindness can be magical. Twenty years ago, 12-year-old Ayda Zugay was sitting with her sister on an airplane. They had just fled the violence of Yugoslavia and were waiting to land in their new home, uncertain of what waited for them and unable to understand anyone around them. Out of the blue, a stranger handed them an envelope which had a message written in English on the front and disappeared. Inside, the girls found a small amount of cash and a pair of dangly earrings. That money was a Godsend. It made them feel welcome and helped them to cover their basic needs when they first arrived. But the envelope and the gesture of kindness, that meant even more. Today, the envelope is one of Ayda’s most treasured possessions. Now, she can understand the message on the front: “I hope your stay in America will be a safe and happy one for you—Welcome to America—please use this to help you here. A friend from the plane—Tracy” As a result of that one act of kindness, Ayda and her sister have dedicated their lives to helping others. Both look for opportunities to give back whenever they can. Ayda works in the nonprofit sector and represents Massachusetts as a delegate in the Refugee Congress. And, she is doing everything she can to find Tracy and to thank her for that act of kindness which made her feel welcome here and inspired her in her life’s path.
This time of year, it’s tempting for all of us to focus our energy on big changes. It’s tempting to make sweeping resolutions, to try to prioritize our time and to do the things that will have the greatest impact. That’s why, I want to talk about random acts of kindness today. If each of us left this room and committed to doing one random act of kindness per day, that would be a huge improvement in our world.
On the High Holidays, we ask God to write our name in the book of life. But we too hold a pen.
Gmar Chatima tova